Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
