went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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