how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
