I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
