Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
