Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
