The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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