First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
