I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
