Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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