I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
