My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
