Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
