Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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