I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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