I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
