why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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