Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
