Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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