Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
