I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
