The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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