btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
