I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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