she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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