kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
