If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
