Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
