Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
