Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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