it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
