The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
