Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
