So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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