I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
