i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
