also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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