soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
