Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
