i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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