is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
