Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
