Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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