is this the sara with the beer cane?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
