we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
