so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Someone signed my nipple.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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