First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
