I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
