and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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