I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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