I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
