i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
